Home alone

I’m not going to talk about the very annoying now movie that I have to watch every single year around Christmas and sometimes summer time cause networks think it brings money. Definitely not.

For the first time in the past ten months I have been home alone

No baby, no fiancée. Nobody. Just me, myself and I. I had some rough nights and I got ill again as Ruby caught a viral infection this time and obviously she gave it to me as well. Why wouldn’t she? I raised her not to be a selfish child so in this spirit she spreads around the house every nursery virus she catches. I am the first to receive it as I am
awake with her night after night since she was born. But lately was just insane. I mean three nights and days of no sleep at all got to me. She could only be in my arms and she was very hard to please. Her cough was absolutely unbearable and she couldn’t get comfortable. So there I was crying as my back feels weaker and weaker, making efforts so my arms would be strong enough to hold my little munchkin for an entire night, moving from bed to sofa, rocking chair and back.
It all got to me so I felt so ill I knew I could not go work but I wasn’t able to take care of Ruby either

I just had zero energy left in me

So I decided it is time for me to take action and not be a freakin’ martyr. Nobody needs and overtired mom with no patience and energy. I got Ruby dressed and took her to nursery. I dropped her off in the morning and instead of rushing to catch the 8:06 train to Euston and travel to work I just walked back home. I found the strength to move my legs only by thinking I will finally get some sleep as soon as I get home.

The minute I entered the door I felt I am going to collapse but my mind started spinning thinking I have a day off

No baby and an empty very messy house. I decided to tidy up, finally sort out all my clothes as they were all literally thrown in a closet with no order whatsoever. But this required energy and I couldn’t find any in me. I lay down on the sofa with the thought of closing my eyes for few minutes and start cleaning. But those few minutes turned into four hours of sleep. Deep sleep. I remember I only woke up to find my blanket, covered myself and went back to dreamland. I realised I was so stressed out the second I started dreaming my baby is waking up and I have to do the same. I opened my eyes, panicking about having my baby in the house, awake while I was sleeping like a cow. A second later I realised she is in nursery

I was free

I was home alone for the first time in the past ten months and I could sleep as much as I needed to. I smiled pleased with the thought. I mean what mother doesn’t dream of this? One day for you and you only to do all the things you want to do.
My dream came true and as soon as I woke up I started thinking about what shall I do with the time left. Normally I would get a pedicure, have my eyebrows done, have a hot bath, enjoy music, a good book and a glass of wine. Have endless conversations with my friends, have lots of coffee, check all my social media accounts, look through pictures and videos, watch a movie and contemplate on life. Write and than write some more. Be lazy or the complete opposite. Go out and go crazy.

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Not this time. This time I was all snuggled up on the sofa thinking of hoovering, do laundry, sort out my closet, clean the house and air the place out. Somehow I found the energy for only one of these activities. The most urgent one. The one that was screaming in my head for a long long time. I sorted out my clothes. I realised I don’t have that many as I had to throw out more than half of them. Tops, jeans, coats and skirts that will never ever fit me again. My Karen Millen denim dress that I loved so so much will never ever look so good on me ever again. I mean even the sleeves felt so tight I couldn’t get myself to go any further. My Lee Cooper jacket that I wore for such a long time went to charity. I loved that jacket so much and it looked absolutely amazing on me. It was my perfect casual wear and I could match it with skinny jeans, shorts or chinos any time of the day. Not anymore. It lived its life and worth every penny I spent on it.

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My very short denim skirt looked absolutely ridiculous on me now so I had to give up on it. The teenager look doesn’t fit my profile anymore so there my skirt gone to charity bin for someone else to wear from now on. Many more clothes went as well and once my closet was sorted I realised I don’t have much but what I do it’s perfect for my new self. A 37 year old Mommy with a casual look. I am pleased with myself now. Closet looks so nice and tidy now.
It didn’t take me long to sort it out. I think it took longer to decide on giving up on all those clothes I would have never worn anyways. Sentimental value is not easy to get rid of.
Once all was done I went back on the sofa and started catching up on my series while dozing off from time to time.

I knew I was tired but never realised just how tired

Even after a home alone day I didn’t feel completely recovered. I still needed lots and lots of sleep, time off for my arms and back, no alcohol but lots of water instead. I tried eating but even that made sick so I decided on just stay there. Do nothing. I took advantage of this amazing day of being home alone and it felt Oh My God like heaven. I feel guilty for saying it but it did feel so so good. Sorting out my thoughts, closing my eyes without worrying, sleeping for as much as I felt like and doing absolutely nothing was bliss. So I decided. Once in a while (not too often) I will do this again. I am my own person before being a mother. I need to be strong and wise, rested and completely sane so I can be the mother I want to be. And I think we all do. And if you can afford one day like this, embrace it, enjoy it and don’t think of anything or anyone else but yourself. You moms out there fully deserve it.

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I am grateful for I had this day and now I can say I got my game back. My baby needs me and I am me again. Offering her my best.

 

PS: #mamamail is back soon

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