As the moment approached I started closing myself, became silent and my brain started spinning around like I was in a roller coaster. On any given day I dread the moment Ruby has to go bed. I wrote about it before and nothing changed. She still tosses and turns for at least 40 minutes, moans and cries like there is no tomorrow. Not last night. I did not dread the moment. I was actually looking forward to it. Only to watch her, hold her hand, sing to her and make her laugh till she falls asleep. She obviously slept in ten minutes but I just stayed there staring at her, tears running down my face. I won’t play this a game with her for the next two days. Actually I won’t spend any second with her for 48 hours. She sleeps when I wake up and again when I come home. I will miss 48 hours of my baby’s life every week starting today. My anxiety levels are so high right now I feel my head pounding and my heart can explode any minute. I have no idea how I’ll cope with this. I’ve never been away from her more than couple of hours since the day she was born. Not to mention the nine months before when she was growing inside me.
I always thought I will be the type of woman who will look forward to go back amongst adults, to work and have a life outside the motherhood cocoon. I have been working from such a young age it made me feel I cannot live without it. But here I am. One baby later and my life has radically changed. I changed. I am no longer the workaholic, addicted to freedom and days out with friends. I gave up smoking before I got pregnant and although I thought it would be hard I found it incredibly easy. So yeah, I am not the same as I was. I am no longer the person sitting alone at a table outside a coffee shop smoking and reading or writing until I lose track of time. I don’t know that person anymore. That person is the one I used to be, the one who helped me be who I am now. The evolved me. The mature me.
I got to work and tried to hide my anxiety, tried to pretend I am happy to be there, I am strong and I can cope with it all like no one did before. Like I am the mother and working woman who can blend the two perfectly in an extraordinary painting showing the strength of a woman and the power of a mother. In fact I was failing miserably. I was counting the minutes till I would be able to go back home, I was checking my phone constantly for pictures and snapchats of my baby having such a good time without me. My heart was aching and to be fair, for a minute I felt a bit jealous of her as she had coped so well with being without me for an entire day. But she is small, she doesn’t know what it was exactly happening to her. Babies adapt almost instantly. Unlike us who take such long time and need so much strength to cope with being apart from them. They are fine as long as they get the attention they want and you follow their routine.
Me on the other hand I panic, I worry, I am restless and I only think of my precious monkey instead of work. I am not there but physically and I don’t want to be there at all.
As the day progressed I was a bit calmer but this only because I knew she was fine, I knew she is with her daddy and she is safe but next week she goes nursery. Nobody will snapchat me little videos of my little one or keep updated every hour. What will I do than? I will most probably call so many times that they will just say I am better off getting a job there rather than being so annoying.
My first day of work was not entirely bad but I need to learn how to let go and I am not ready for that. I got home as quick as I could and my little munchkin was asleep. I sneaked into the bedroom and watched her for a while secretly wanting her to wake up and need me. And she did. About ten in the evening she lost her dummy. Went to give it to her and there she was. She opened her eyes and the moment she seen me she got so excited. She smiled at me and held her little hands up so I would pick her up. I tried to resist so I get her back to sleep but it didn’t happen. My baby fell asleep in my arms two hours later while I was dozing off with my head suspended somehow in a very uncomfortable position. But it was fine as I got to hold her and smell her skin, kiss her and feel her tiny body pressed against mine trying to fall asleep while looking to grab my arms with her palms. It was our moment and although I was so tired I felt so happy and grateful for it. Gave me so much energy and thought me that the connection between me and her is something that will never go away and she forgave me for living her an entire day without mummy. She missed me just as much as I missed her.
PS: as I am finishing this post I am on my way home from my second day of work. Full on busy day today but still wished I was with Ruby. Tomorrow we are going for the transition period at nursery. It will be for one hour, followed by two hours on Friday and three on Monday after which she’ll start on Tuesday. All day without mummy and daddy. That will be so so scary. What will I do? How will she cope? How did your baby cope first day in nursery?