Sleepless nights since before you became a mother, pains everywhere after birth, feeding on demand for 24 hours a day, coping with a baby who cries for apparently no reason, figuring out why the baby is crying, remembering to wash your hair after two weeks, cleaning the house, cooking, trying to realise what the hell you are doing and how come you still alive. We’ve all been there.
I had to admit that motherhood is so lonely and painful at times. I had to admit that all mums out there were right when they were describing life with a newborn. Being a new mum is so hard, frustrating, infuriating and all crazy feelings at once. I woke up having this tiny human attached to me. So needy, so helpless. She was there, next to me all the time and I sometimes found myself thinking I will lose my mind. Of course it’s all worth it but until you get to that it’s f-ing long way. A long, annoying, painful way. In the first few weeks all you do is try to breath, cope with you world being changed forever, trying not to go nuts while trying to find a solution to a restless baby. I breastfed my child until I had no idea what my name is and a mirror seemed something from the future that is about to be discovered. All I knew was that I have to help the tiny human: feed, change, bath and show love to this little bundle of joy who turned my life around. I was preoccupied by how her poo looks like in colour and consistency, obsessed about how many wet nappies a day she gets and how often she feeds. I couldn’t care less about myself. I had people judging me about my eyebrows or why I haven’t done my hair. I stared at them thinking: “Screw you bitch!” I mean I am not a bad person but in those desperate moments of my life is this all you can say? Why can’t you shut up or better try and find something nice to say. Something like: you look nice. We all know is a big fat lie but it so helps a woman in need.
But it’s OK. I got over it. My baby is growing, she is such a happy and healthy baby so this only tells me that those insane moments payed off. I done a good job. Of course I doubted myself every second of the day but with time we got into a routine. Slowly slowly I started to be me again, wear my old clothes and not only baggy t shirts and maternity leggings, I rediscovered make up and started to remember when I have to wash my hair and color it. I started smiling more often and get my confidence back.
But it wasn’t easy. I found myself making rules for every day living. I used to be such an active woman so from working 40 hours a week to staying home with the baby doing nothing but was hard to keep my sanity. I couldn’t concentrate on anything I used to like before having little munchkin. I started pushing myself into getting back to who I used to be. I was a bookworm, a woman who enjoys coffee and wine, a woman who likes to look good, a woman who uses her brain every day, a creative person with lots of ambition. I had to get ME back. So I got to making rules. I decided that I have to talk to someone on daily basis (a mature person who can talk back not the tony human who only stares at me in awe); try and read every day (a book, a blog, news); exercise (even if for five minutes) – I discovered yoga as well and I have to tell you that all those breathing techniques are brilliant; keep a journal (this is how I started the blog) in which write down my feelings about motherhood, life in a couple before and after the baby; try and get some me time at least once a week (I don’t get to do it often but the time when I write I consider it as being time for myself). I had to do it and I am happy I did. This way I learned how to enjoy life as a mother. And slowly slowly I started to make time for dishes, laundry, house cleaning and all there is, I learned how to make time for him again, show him I love him and that he matters as much as he did before we had little monkey in our life.
Rules are good when you make them for a good cause. They work so damn good. They made miracles for me and I am happy to say I found myself again and I realised that now I am finally complete. There is nothing missing from my life (well, I could do with money to buy a house, a big fat account so I won’t worry for my baby’s future and all material things).
PS: I decided to play the lottery for these. Who knows. Maybe I’ll get lucky one day.