I love having my little baby but I do have to admit that there have been times when I thought I am losing it. I thought I am going crazy and there is no way back. I need to say it as some people might think that being a mum is all about the pink clouds, giggles and moments that melt your heart. No! It’s not and whoever says it is is a big fat lair.
First is the joy of being pregnant, realizing that you are growing a human being inside you, imagining how your baby will look like, how will it be to finally hold him/her in your arms for the first time, going shopping for baby clothes and that lovely nursery you already have in your mind. All this is amazing. It made me so happy I could never imagined. But I wasn’t all that good while pregnant. First four months I had no pleasure in going out whatsoever. Work was enough and sometimes too much. I wanted to sleep, sleep and that is about it. After came couple of months of a bit of normality. We found out it’s a girl and to be honest I felt good: full if energy and healthy but as I was getting closer to meeting little Ruby I had problems with my sciatica nerve so it made things more and more difficult as I couldn’t walk properly and the pain was excruciating. I remember the hot water bottle on my back, the waking ups at 3 am when I was getting myself some ice lollies and start exercising on the gym ball so I can relax that damn muscle. But this was not the worst thing. The worst is the pregnancy brain that actually goes further on after you give birth. My God! So annoying when you have no idea what you are doing, when you forget absolutely everything and you cannot concentrate on anything. That was me and sometimes I still get those moments.
After I had Ruby I was in heaven. First week was the most beautiful week of my life. I couldn’t get my eyes off my baby and I found every little activity absolutely magic. I didn’t mind the sleepless nights and days or the crying or anything as a matter of fact. I didn’t mind people coming to see her or the phone calls from people that thought it’s ok to keep you talking at any hour. I loved it but as time went y I started resenting it. I got more and more tired and everything drove me insane.
First time I thought I am going crazy was when I actually realized I can’t do anything anymore. Kris went back to work and I was left by myself at home, clueless, trying to raise a baby. I could’t sleep when she was sleeping so I got over tired. Breastfeeding became a nightmare and not a moment to bond with my baby. Kudos to all you out there who breastfed their babies for a long time. Ruby was not feeding most of the times. It was just that she wanted the comfort of my arms but I was exhausted. I got to the stage when I couldn’t eat, sleep, shower or even pee when I wanted to. Everything was dictated by her and I had no control whatsoever. I went crazy when I had to come out the shower after two minutes cause she was crying her heart out and Kris could not do anything about it.
I went crazy when I did not sleep for some many nights I don’t even remember. She used to wake up so often that I was better of not sleeping rather than closing my eyes for few minutes. I started not to care about the way I look and hating everyone who would say anything about it. I hated people who would try giving me advice about how to raise Ruby. I wanted to be all on me. I said if I screw up it will be on me and not anyone else.
This lasted for about five weeks when I had a proper melt down and told Kris all bout me going nuts. He didn’t know any of it and he decided no more. We would give Ruby formula before bed. This way he was doing the night feed and I was getting a bit of sleep and it felt like heaven.
Another time when I thought I am losing it was when she cried a full day and I felt useless in front of such a tiny human. I tried everything possible and it did not work. I still have no idea what happened.
Than I have plans. Every morning I wake up and before I get out of bed I plan my day: washing, cleaning, arranging my flowers, sorting out Ruby’s clothes as there are so many that don’t fir her anymore, shopping for food and whatever we need for the house. How much I actually do? Sometimes none of it. Why? Cause my life is dictated by my baby’s willingness to nap. And this is the difference between an hour or two of ‘me’ time and an afternoon of monkey time when I have to entertain her while I think I’ve done nothing. I am not in control and sometimes I freak out. I lose it and I feel like I can’t manage anything. I feel useless and powerless and front of her but you know what? I take a look at my baby, see her smile and I get the strength to carry one day by day.
I might act insanely sometimes, I might just hate everyone around and not be in the mood for anything but this takes only a minute cause it all goes away just by taking a look at that bundle of joy I created. Babies are hard work, sleepless nights, clothes full of vomit, stinky nappies and constant worry but they are a miracle we created and this is enough for me to carry on trying to do the best job I can as being a mum.